I have stayed away from writing, this is true, the reason I will go ahead and lay to rest
My words are not heard or even respected, this occurs in the flesh
So why would I believe in understanding through paper or screen
these words while subscribed would merely get a passing glance
Let me be honest in stating, I am unhappy and severely depressed
while not on the verge of suicide, I wish to give up, I do not even desire rest
for so long it has been painful to keep my eyes open and look towards the sun
for so long I have been moving slower and slower, pace changed to a walk from a run
yet around and around I go, this merry-go-round of mistakes and bad choices
and the up and down I go as the carousel animals on hurting those closest
I have become more of a disappointment as a father by allowing bad situations
I have become more of a letdown as a lover by taking the wrong chances
and with those chances lacking enough patience and strength to endure
all the pain from my own life and then to push through added struggle and more
All I have ever wanted was happiness and family, things never experienced
some of which were robbed from me
yet I do it with the absolute idea of potential, seeing it above the veil
however when the push turns to a shove, I am the one who has failed.
I know a lot of the time I worry about the happiness of others as priority
safety and security, assistance and help is needed and then I worry
knowing full well the extent of my abilities I will push them even further
and push my own self down in the hole deeper, it gets colder
for as hard as I pursue to make someone else happy, that pursuit is unmatched
yet when the pursuit slows the benefactor begins their attack
but are the questions needed ever answered or even asked?
Why the difference, where did it go, what changed the respect that I have?
Do I understand truly the pain caused by my attack?
Honestly it can be no longer my concern
I have to move based on how I feel and others should do the same
surprisingly enough most people move on how they want to feel
yet leave off making others feel the way they would desire them to.
Hiatus still in effect in a manner of sorts
If I have to speak, I guess I should.