I have stayed away from writing, this is true, the reason I will go ahead and lay to rest

My words are not heard or even respected, this occurs in the flesh

So why would I believe in understanding through paper or screen

these words while subscribed would merely get a passing glance

Let me be honest in stating, I am unhappy and severely depressed

while not on the verge of suicide, I wish to give up, I do not even desire rest

for so long it has been painful to keep my eyes open and look towards the sun

for so long I have been moving slower and slower, pace changed to a walk from a run

yet around and around I go, this merry-go-round of mistakes and bad choices

and the up and down I go as the carousel animals on hurting those closest

I have become more of a disappointment as a father by allowing bad situations

I have become more of a letdown as a lover by taking the wrong chances

and with those chances lacking enough patience and strength to endure

all the pain from my own life and then to push through added struggle and more

All I have ever wanted was happiness and family, things never experienced

some of which were robbed from me

yet I do it with the absolute idea of potential, seeing it above the veil

however when the push turns to a shove, I am the one who has failed.

I know a lot of the time I worry about the happiness of others as priority

safety and security, assistance and help is needed and then I worry

knowing full well the extent of my abilities I will push them even further

and push my own self down in the hole deeper, it gets colder

for as hard as I pursue to make someone else happy, that pursuit is unmatched

yet when the pursuit slows the benefactor begins their attack

but are the questions needed ever answered or even asked?

Why the difference, where did it go, what changed the respect that I have?

Do I understand truly the pain caused by my attack?

Honestly it can be no longer my concern

I have to move based on how I feel and others should do the same

surprisingly enough most people move on how they want to feel

yet leave off making others feel the way they would desire them to.

Hiatus still in effect in a manner of sorts

If I have to speak, I guess I should.

6 thoughts on “Irrelevant

Add yours

  1. Steve, I truly feel every word you’ve written, with the exception of your concerns as a father. In my heart, I believe you to be one of the last few good men left. I know you are similar to me: taking care of other’s needs before your own, rarely with it reciprocated. And also, being too hard on yourself. I can relate to the depression, as this is one of my dark moments. I know it sounds absurd– a person who is broken attempting to be a friend– but if you need a friend, the olive branch has never left since our college days. I can just listen to you. Or sit in silence with you. For what it’s worth, I do care, with no end goal or purpose in mind besides seeing you continue being the man you always are: resilient, loving, honest, thoughtful, sprinkled with waves of self doubt that keeps ego in check and creates a humility that most people have set aside.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Heartbreaking poem. I can feel your pain throughout the piece. I am sorry you are struggling and having a hard time. I won’t say something cliche like things will get better, because I know from experience that’s probably the last thing you want to hear right now. But no matter what, things will become different as time passes. Nothing ever stays exactly the same, whether that’s good or bad. Keep fighting and breathing. Wish you healing and better days to come – speak766

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Relatable. I felt every word and I feel this way often. I continually ask myself why I write? Why do I put so much effort into something no one appreciates? Wishing for you better days. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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