Mind of a Poet #16

One question, if you died right now, who would miss you? Most people probably don’t think about that question too often, but if it was actually mentioned, who would miss you and more importantly who would you miss? Death is something that we all know is out there, but yet sometimes we disregard the repercussions of what will happen when it is on our doorstep. There is an idea that you know when your time is up, that you can feel, smell, or even just sense your own death when it is that close to happening. There are movies, yes, determining that people can see their own death and then stop it; but, do you know someone personally who has actually avoided death. I have, and I have done it many times. Each day when I am feeling alone, desperate for attention and affection, I think of those times. Two seconds from suicide at 12 years old and remember what my thoughts were, not of my happiness or the fact that I would be gone and leave this world, but of how bad it would make those who hurt me feel, or if they would even care. I needed to know I meant something to someone and therefore, I would have killed myself or hurt myself severely just in order to find out. After having my heart ripped through my chest and burned like a log of wood, I began cutting my skin with knives, my junior year of college. Very aggressive at that point, people tried to help me by being more aggressive and that didn’t work. Upon my fleeing the house to be alone, I was arrested for my safety, and then taken to a mental hospital. Then I just really wanted to die, to be in pain, to hurt, and then possibly also know what the other person felt after I died or was in the hospital. Then in the past year or so, my thoughts of death entered into my dreams, and I was forced to face horrible visions of torture, gore, and blood. If I didn’t escape, I would be consumed and live in that place forever, would I die in my sleep, it is very possible for those dreams, and they came twice to consume me; I escaped both times. The one dream I can’t let go involves my mother or well the personification of her since I don’t remember her face or her voice at all. I had a sister and a friend with me, I didn’t even own the car that was in the dream, but it was there because it was a gift from my grandmother. She asked me to take her for a drive, being fully conscious and aware of what was going on, I asked her if I went with her would I die? She answered yes. This time there were no thoughts of what would other people feel, what even the person lying in the bed beside me would do or would feel, what would happen to my friends, what would happen to my possessions, what would happen to my family, there were no thoughts of anyone, but myself. I want to be with my mother dearly, I’ve lost time in my life that I can never get back, seconds, minutes, hours that I will never have again; however, at that one moment, the only person on my mind was myself and what I wanted to do. Since I was 10, I had been wishing for death, hoping for it, basically being suicidal or death minded for almost 11 years of my life, but at that one moment when I was truly faced with death, I declined. My sister, whom I don’t know still, and my friend both spoke the words of my mind that I didn’t want to go and still felt I had so much to do here on this planet. I stayed, but I did take everyone there on a drive, and soon as we stepped in the car and the door closed, the dream was over and I was awake; most importantly alive.


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